The Cruelest Month

Man with umbrella under a regional rain, photograph by Joseph Hancock (all credits to the artist), from Pinterest

The cruelest month
is the month of darkness
no matter what its’ name.

No light will pierce
those heavy clouds
when your soul just writhes in pain.

The cruelest month
you carry with you
inside your mind and heart.

Whether summer, autumn
spring or winter
it’s when your world falls apart.

There is no end to the cruelest month
that a calendar could dictate.
When darkness strikes
that month is the cruelest –
regardless of season or date.

When I saw today’s (optional) prompt on NaPoWriMo 2016– Day Four (the cruelest month), I knew I had to write this – and pair it with this particular photo (which I found on Pinterest and take no credit for). I could literally write a thousand poems and a million words on the topic of mental health, depression and bipolarity (and I probably have and will), and although I could be more eloquent this is what bubbled up to the surface today, I will offer it up as my entry to the NaPoWriMo Gods.

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Please Breathe

Sometimes
it is all you can do
to just breathe, catch your breath
– start with that.

Sometimes
air is all that you need
to keep the worst fears at bay
so just breathe.

At times
when it all seems so dark
and the pain’s all around
just exhale and let go
trust the air that you know
and just breathe.

Sometimes
it may take all you have
just to open your eyes
– start with that.

Sometimes
just a glimmer of hope
in the darkness of night
lets you breathe.

At times
when there’s nowhere to hide
and tomorrow’s a dream
stay right here and right now
fear just can’t keep its’ hold
when you breathe.

You should know
all those tears that you cry
all the fears deep inside
all the anger and hurt
all the bridges you’ve burnt
every ache that you feel
every nightmare that’s real
will all fade – give it time
if you just stay around
so, please breathe!

Last night I spoke to a friend who’s going through a really bad time lately and is partly still in that very, very dark place that most of us are lucky never to find… And I just want him to know that I’m so glad he’s still here.

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The Death of a Stranger

RIP Robin Williams

He was a stranger to me then,
and today he still is,
but somehow he feels closer to me now.
The sound of his voice,
such familiar bliss,
from childhood’s TV show.

The sadness in his eyes,
though only on-screen:
“Oh, captain, my captain…”
What brilliance to have seen!
He was a stranger to me then,
and today he still is,
but somehow he feels closer to me now.

He was a stranger to me then,
and today he is gone,
he lost the fight, his will, to carry on.
The darkness that surrounds,
makes you feel all alone,
took a star from our skies and today he’s gone.

How he made me laugh,
if only on the screen,
Mrs Doubtfire, Peter Pan…
He made so many of them real!
He was a stranger to me then,
and today he is gone,
but his memory will, forever, in our hearts live on.

I don’t know why Robin Williams’ death has affected me so much… But somehow it has and he hasn’t been far from my mind since I learned of his passing. Perhaps it’s how he represents happy childhood memories (na-no, na-no), teen-age angst (carpe diem) or perhaps it’s all the laughter he’s induced over the years. But maybe, and this is just me, maybe it’s also because I too have suffered severe depression and imagine I understand parts of why this brilliant entertainer decided to end his – to the outside world – enchanted life.

In any case, again, RIP Robin Williams. From a stranger you never met, but whose life you touched in so many ways. You will be missed.

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A Grain of Hope – Or Maybe Just The Medication?

I can feel them stirring, wriggling
like worms in soft, wet soil.
The thoughts, the ideas,
the need to create
breaking free of depression’s coil.
I pray, though not a religious type,
I really hope and wish
that this is not just the medicine,
that what it seems is what it is?
I can feel them twisting, stretching within
like a bear at hibernation’s end.
And I pray, though not a religious type
that I soon can see sunshine again.

Cautiously optimistic, though very aware that the current/new medication has previously proven to cause more (hypomanic) harm in the long run… Very happy to not see everything in dark colours though, so I’ll take every second of relief I can get!

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Staying Alive

Photo by CC Champagne

I’ve taken myself
out of the race
because staying alive is enough.

I cherish each breath
and each beat of my heart
because – some days – just living is tough.

I’ve taken myself
out of the race
because I’m in the fight of my life!

It’s not about winning
but staying alive
and each day I survive is a prize.

It’s all a bit of a struggle at the moment, with messed up medication and all sorts… But I’m not dying, and there are so many out there who have it worse.

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The Bubbles…

Image via Google images, from The Berry

The bubbles
in my glass
turn to nothing
as they pass…

The thoughts
in my brain
turn to poems
as they fade…

The beating
of my heart
turns to nothing
in the end…

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